In my community, we possess a unique culture of helping and serving. We actually, at one time, had the most faith based, non profits per capita of anywhere in the United States. I don’t know if that still holds true, but as someone who works at a faith based non profit, I am thankful so many people in this community want to help others; especially when that desire to help is also deeply connected to a desire to represent Christ well to others. But one thing I have noticed (among Christians in particular) is a confusion between kindness and “being nice”. And in a season where many of us are looking to offer kindness, I want to help us distinguish which is which- and also why I think it matters.
Kindness is defined as “a genuine care, empathy and concern for another’s well being; a desire to positively impact another person that leads to action”. The Bible includes kindness as one of the fruits of the Holy Spirit living inside us. (Galatians 5:22) And generally I think we all like the idea of being kind. But sometimes, we cut kindness short with niceness because to be honest- it requires less and feels better. It’s worth noting, nice is NOT listed as a fruit of the Spirit. My hunch is this is because while being nice can sometimes be a genuine posture toward others, it more often becomes a mask for looking good or maintaining our own comfort. Niceness is often about me; kindness is always about you.
I work with people all day long as a counselor. It is my calling, my ministry and my job. I am honored to create a safe place for others to process pain, learn new skills, change their thinking and grow into who God created them to be. But, one not-so-fun side of counseling for clients (and for me too if I’m honest) is confronting. When a client has a goal and there is a behavior or belief preventing them from reaching that goal, part of my job is to confront it. To say what I am noticing and ask good questions to allow the client to reflect on how their belief or behavior may be blocking their growth. Depending on how much they enjoy the behavior or how long they have held the belief, there is often resistance in the form or deflecting, minimizing or anger when I confront. It’s not a fun moment for anyone. But it is so incredibly important and part of me doing my job well.
Our lives need a similar level of willingness to be uncomfortable in order to truly practice kindness. When someone we love is engaging in a dysfunctional, destructive or sinful way- true kindness seeks to point out the problematic behavior for the good of the person. Niceness can look the other way. Niceness can add sympathy or affirmation, without ever challenging. Niceness, ultimately, can be for my comfort, not their good. Kindness however is not weighing my comfort at all. It is soley focused on the good of the other. It is seeking the best and highest for the person, often at a personal cost to me. This is true when I volunteer to serve the homeless a meal or stop to hug a grieving friend at church but also true when I ask a friend hard questions about how much alcohol I am noticing she is consuming or confront a family member who is constantly complaining about their life without ever making changes. Kindness can feel warm and fuzzy or hard and heavy. Because sometimes a person needs comfort and gentleness, other times they need a reality check and accountability.
And this is where growing a heart of kindness costs us. On some level we have to get out of the pattern of doing whatever is quick and easy and instead get to know people more deeply so we understand what they need. Another word for this is attunement- seeing what is happening in another person’s experience. You cannot really be kind without learning to atune. But it also costs us more than mental energy. It requires a willingness to sacrifice: time, resources, emotion and personal preferences are all things we may need to let go of to seek what is needed for another.
If you’ve raised teens you know about late night confessions and discussions. When my kids were teens, att the end of the day, I would often be so tapped out physically and emotionally- very ready for bed. Maybe it was 9:30, maybe a bit later, and in would wander one of my three, clearly ready for a chat. My instincts were often to “uh huh” my way through it so I could get to bed, but if it was a good parenting moment, I would set myself aside and really engage- actively listen, empathize, ask questions and support. Even for my children, practicing kindness in those moments was a sacrifice- though one I look back on with gladness and gratefulness. My kids needed my willingness to sacrifice sleep so they had that safe space to talk. In my own life, there have been times where kindness to me was a friend bringing me dinner and staying to clean my kitchen. At another times it was a friend leaving her house on a moment’s notice to sit with me at a hospital when one of my kids was at the ER. It also has been a friend asking me in a very hard season “where are you most vulnerable to sin in this situation?” All of those were expressions of kindness that required sacrifice in some way. Niceness would have stopped short of seeking what was needed for me in each of those moments by weighing what was best for them.
One scripture I find interesting is where we learn about God’s kindness. Romans 2:4 tells us “the kindness of the Lord leads to repentance.” This tells us two really important things. One is God’s kindness exposes our sin and brokenness because that is what repentance is- turning away from the things that break us and break God’s heart. Kindness from God looks like showing us what we need to let go of - and that is not always easy but it is always for our good. But the other implication from this scripture is God’s heart toward us is one of seeking what is best for us, and that was at great personal cost for Him. Jesus was not being nice when he chose to leave heaven and come be with us. That baby born in a manger paid a great cost to live perfectly and then ultimately die to pay the price for our sin. It was his desire to do for us what we needed to be safe and saved- to live and die in our place- that brought him to this world. It was kindness.