Bookends: Bringing Chaos Into Order for Moms

If there was ever a season where trying to avoid chaos while also relaxing collide more than summer, I don’t know what it would be. The attempts to let the kids sleep in but not waste the day away (looking at you Mom’s of teens), have free time but take advantage of all the VBS/Summer Camps, take vacations but make memories at home, enjoy more time with your kids but figure out how to get space so you don’t lose your mind… Well, it can feel like an impossible or overwhelming couple of months.

Enter Bookends. Bookends are a way of starting and ending your day that create enough structure so life feels orderly, but not so much that you can’t enjoy the Summertime Vibes. Morning and evening bookends are mini routines- 3-5 basic tasks or processes you complete that help start and end the day in a positive way. The advantage of bookends is the way they create predictable habits allowing you to use less brain power when you are tired, give a sense of control over the day and help your values and goals be addressed regularly.

How do you set up these Bookends in your world? First start with a quick analysis of your mornings and evenings: what things need to happen for the day to flow well?

Do you need to start the day with an empty dishwasher because you have a bunch pf people in your house all day creating a lot of dishes?

Does laundry need to be folded on a daily basis?

When are you most likely to read your bible and pray?

Do you have a lot of daily appointments that need to be checked the night before?

Is meal prep something that allows your afternoon to be more peaceful?

Do you have physical pain that is helped by stretching or a hot shower?

These are examples of questions to analyze in deciding components of your daily bookend, and whether it is more helpful in the morning or evening.

A sample daily bookend could be:

AM: make coffee and read 10 minutes in bible; empty dishwasher, 5 minutes stretching and start one load of laundry.

PM: check calendar for the next day, fold one load of laundry, gratitude journal, run dishwasher, prep lunches.

The idea is whatever you include needs to be simple, fast tasks that help your days run more smoothly. The entire process should be 3-5 tasks and accomplish-able in 20 minutes or less and would ideally be done (or almost done) before the kids get up. Very young children are often up very early so bookends can be adjusted to allow for what works while caring for them. The concept of bookends can be applied also to the way you start and end the day for your children, and also can also be helpful for Empty Nester’s (like me!) who work full time and still benefit from the routine of habits and patterns.

Taking chaos and bringing it into order is a God ordained task. Motherhood is often a daily grind of trying to wrestle all the chaos of laundry, children, messes and food into some semblance of order. Bookends are one way to approach this goal that feel manageable and achievable. Some systems I tried over the years were overwhelming to maintain and others were too expensive or tedious. For all the Mama’s facing summer and feeling stressed- I pray this encourages you and gives some relief to the chaos so you can find joy in the next few months.

Lean In: how God uses Pain to Draw us to him

I have always been averse to pain- quick to get out of the way from any activity I thought would lead to it. I was not much of a risk taker or thrill seeker as a result, and truly my motivation in being an obedient child was often avoiding a painful consequence such as a spanking or even a scolding. I avoided sports too- mostly because I, tragically, have no natural hand-eye coordination but also because I knew there was a good chance I would experience pain if I participated. Dodge ball was, as you can imagine, a childhood nightmare. It did not help that I was always the smallest person in the room- making the world loom large and scary while growing up. Give me some cute and fluffy stuffed Care Bears and a cozy room to play in and I was content- happily absorbed with my imagination and friends.

I don’t think I’m an anomaly in this urge to avoid pain, though perhaps was more fearful of it as a child than most. Still culture primes us all to seek comfort and pleasure while rejecting painful experiences as something unnecessary at best and as inherently harmful at worst. And of course, I am not referring to traumatic and destructive pain- that kind should be avoided if at all possible. I am talking about the kind of pain that comes from getting into the mess of life- the bruised knees from falling while learning to walk, the bruised ego from auditioning for a solo you don’t get, the bruised heart from loving people who sometimes don’t love you back. The hurts that come with growth, risks and adventure, as well as serving and loving others.

And along came motherhood. It created a true dilemma for this pain-avoidant soul. I remember nearing the end of my first pregnancy and a feeling of panic begin to quietly rise within me about the actual birth experience- how on earth would I survive something so clearly and horrifyingly painful?? After 36 hours of labor and an unplanned c-section, turns out, I would survive it just like everything else I have encountered in life since- by leaning into God’s presence and promises.

When we see Jesus in the garden before he faces his crucifixion- we watch him wrestle with fear of the pain he knew was coming. Physical pain from crucifixion was terrible. But he also understood pain from abandonment and rejection and humiliation was about to be heaped on top of the physical- and who would not want to let that specific cup pass by? Yet, he drew near to God’s presence to strengthen Him and he trusted God’s promises to sustain him. How can we lean into painful circumstances and say “Your will, not my will God”? When we lean toward God- first and often and hard.

It’s been 26 years since that first trepidation into pain, and I am still in awe of how God uses it to reshape and strengthen and grow me. So often when I feel the heartbreak of broken relationships, cancer, suffering and sin my urge is to run away. Find a place within myself to numb it or avoid it. Find a distraction to help me forget it. Find some pleasure to mask it. But over and over, as those attempts fail, God has taught me to lean into Him. He is with me in every single hard moment- comforting, equipping and providing. His word and his Spirit give me what I need as I cry out in lament. His promises give me hope. The number of times a promise from scripture has come to me when I felt I could not bear one more second of the pain I was feeling are more than I can recount. As I lean into Him, I am able to lean in to the painful moments and I come out stronger. Less afraid. Less overwhelmed.

Pain is a hard part of life. It is mostly the result of living in a broken world. And yet spending all our energy avoiding it and running from it does not produce change in us. It does not bring light and life. God has given us “everything we need for life and godliness” (2 Peter 1:3) including His presence and promises to face our pain. Lean in to Him. He is enough to get you through whatever moment you are facing, and it will bring you out changed in a way that gives life and beauty to the world.

Self Care Deconstructed: What it is and What it isn't

“But I don’t have time for self care….”

We were discussing some suggestions for a client wanting to work on her anxiety and she responded with frustration and what sounded like defeat to my comment that she needs to work on self care.

I don’t think her feelings are unique. I see women on social media talking about how they don’t have the time or resources to practice self care and they end up feeling shame and criticized for something they have no control over. I also see women posting photos at a spa or restauarant with the hastag #selfcare added to the pictures. All of which leads me to believe many have misunderstood self care for “treat yoself” and perhaps breaking it down into the basics would allow more women to begin to practice it. Maybe that’s you, or maybe you have friends, daughters, sisters or moms who could benefit from redefining this buzzword.

Jesus says in the gospel of Matthew that we are to “love your neighbor as yourself” which clearly indicates he means for us to be loving to ourselves and others. In Galatians, Paul writes that each person is to “carry their own load” referring to the daily responsibilities of life- our time, money, choices, attitudes, work and relationships. It is our job to live in such a way that we mange these areas and essentially live in balance- not burnt out and over stressed, not over indulged and entitled. Self care, is actually the way we do this!

A simple definition is self care is taking care of your basic needs and once those are met, your secondary needs.

Think of it this way- If you were given a typical four year old child to care for, what would you make most important and what would you include secondarily if those first priorities were met? When you think about a young child you think about: feeding them with adequate nutrition, giving any necessary medications consistently, making sure they have enough sleep, clothing them, providing time to play and time to rest, lots of love and encouragement as well as boundaries to keep them developing intellectually, spiritually and emotionally. Some boundaries would be limits on screen time and certain content that was too intense or inappropriate would be eliminated. Other boundaries might be related to basic chores, getting up or going to bed at certain times and attending certain functions like school or church and safety issues.

If there were time and resources left, secondary needs might be enrichment activities like sports and dance, fun things like treats, toys and trips and extra non necessary clothing and specialty food.

None of the secondary needs are bad at all. In fact most parents try to give their children many of those along with the primary needs. But, what if there were big gaps in the most important needs yet all the secondary needs were met? Would the child function well if they had inadequate sleep, insufficient food, no time limits on screens or were never with people who could show love? Would trips to the mall or Chik-Fil-A or art lessons compensate for the gaps? Of course not!

This is where the self care buzzword has become confusing. Often I see women who do not go to bed on time, forget to eat or take their prescribed medications, not spend regular time with loving relationships but spend hours mindlessly scrolling Instagram etc who keep trying to solve these primary needs by getting a pedicure or going on a date night or take a trip. It might make them feel better short term but they are not addressing the basic needs of caring for themselves so they stay imbalanced- prone to irritability, lashing out or melting down and sickness. Which sounds a lot like what happens to 4 year olds when their basic needs aren’t met doesn’t it? It turns out you don’t outgrow the need for care- it just transfers from a parent to you!

Anyone can begin to practice self care whether you have extra spending money and time or finances are very tight and time is limited. It is a matter of reassigning value to caring for your basic needs. Do a quick assessment: am I caring for myself in my most important needs: food, sleep, movement, time with loving connections, including God, rest and limits? If not pick one area and begin to prioritize it. What won’t work? Extra Amazon shopping, spa days and a new hair cut.
If self care has seemed elusive and not achievable, I hope you feel encouraged to get back to the basics! Treat yourself to the fun stuff occasionally but don’t expect that to make up for not meeting your basic needs. Remember you are valuable to God and he wants you to care for yourself so you have the energy and health to overflow love and service into the lives of others. But also, he wants you to care for yourself simply because you matter to him and he loves you.

Motherhood: Simplified

In so many ways, while technology has made life easier it sure has complicated everything. I think about what my life was like 25 years ago when I was a young mom raising little ones and I am sad for my younger mama friends today, even though we did have to make do without pouches and wubbies and scheduling doctor appointments on our phones (all of which would have been lovely). Still, I am convinced, it was much easier to live my life and run my home back then. Tik tok, Pinterest and Instagram have stolen the freedom to function in the ordinary and stay present, leading to what I have noticed seem to be wild swings between picture perfect scripted over the top cute moments and utterly chaotic and disorganized stressful moments; the energy expended creating the former leads to the disappointment in the latter. The rhythm of a normal life requires we experience fewer perfect “highs” which will help mitigate all the stress-filled “lows” I see so many women wrestling with.

So, if you are a mom in the trenches raising your children, will you allow me to “big sister” you and make a few suggestions? I recognize you are facing pressures that did not exist 25 years ago so I offer these with no judgement- only the hope that you could see a simpler path than the one our comparative and fear based culture is pushing.

•Put your phone away while driving, cooking, eating, bathing and playing with your children. Literally, put it in another room or your purse. The temptation to document every moment, then re-do it so the picture looks better is interrupting connection. Children need attunement. They need you to come out from behind the screen and be very present even while they are playing independently, working on homework or snuggling in your lap. You can only attune to one thing or person at a time- so if you are on your phone, you are disconnected. And children are more likely to act out if they are used to needing to get louder to gain your attunement- leading you to feel more overwhelmed and exhausted by dealing with loud, whiny kids all day! It’s a viscous cycle that can be easily interrupted by putting your phone away.

• Bookend your days. Create (very) basic morning and evening routines with your kids that are practiced and repeated every day. These “bookends” become simple anchor points in your home for connection and predictability- which lead to calm and order. A morning bookend might be: listen to music while we eat breakfast, double check back packs and lunch boxes, hugs before we head out the door. A night bookend could be: brush teeth, tidy up bedroom together and snuggle to read a story. The possibilities are varied based on how many children and their ages- but having a replicable routine every morning and evening is helpful. (Also, bookends for running your home work the same way!)

• Choose only one thing to be “extra” about. Do you go over the top for birthdays? Fine, but let that be your thing. Do you enjoy putting together lots of super coordinated festive outfits? Great, but that is it. Same for class mom, handmade gifts, bedroom decor. There are so many regular areas to suck up time and money and energy- pick the one thing you love and be extravagant about it, but lower the energy and output for the rest. I promise, your kids would rather have you: present, peaceful and loving most of the time with less cool effects than a stressed out, cranky mom who all the other moms were trying to live up to your results.

• Build authentic, vulnerable friendships and a connection to God. In order to consistently meet the needs of children you need to be filled back up. You need to be reassured of your worth and value. You need to have life poured into you on days you feel discouraged with tantrums and sickness and whining. You need to remember God has purpose for you in the mundane and nonpostable moments. And all those needs come from connection to God and friends. In order to make real connections you need to put away technology and be face to face for conversation, for shared meals and for hugs. And you need to be still and quiet to hear God’s voice through prayer and time in scripture. This is something you have to fight like crazy for because everything in our world works against both these processes. But if you prioritize it, it’s possible to make the space to grow both these relationships.

That’s it Mama’s. 4 steps to simplify Motherhood. May you be encouraged in your journey by knowing that God is with you and for you and I am cheering you on too!

The Key to Achieving Anything

We are at that place on the calendar where New Year’s resolutions go to die. Rubber, meet Road.

Whatever goals we began 2022 with, we have hit the make it or break it point. I am from a generation that liked to set New Year’s resolutions- perhaps you are not. Maybe you are a SMART goals person, or a “create sustainable rhythms” fan. (I am too after reading Atomic Habits by James Clear last year!) But whatever method you use, there comes a moment in all growth where progress either stops or you find a break through.

There is a sure fire way to sustain growth, make progress, achieve goals. It’s not fancy or flashy. In fact it’s so boring it seems impossible to be the secret ingredient to growth and change, but it is. You ready?

Just.Keep.Going.

That’s it. Whatever else has to happen to achieve your goals and dreams, it happens on the other side of you still being there, showing up and not quitting.

Wanting to develop a healthier lifestyle? Keep buying vegetables, counting steps, drinking water, going to the gym, taking vitamins- whatever you told yourself you needed to be healthier- keep doing it.

Wanting to improve your marriage? Keep going to counseling, having date night, forgiving, communicating, reading the book or devotional- keep aiming and trying for it.

Wanting to grow spiritually? Keep reading your bible, praying, seeking out mentors, confessing sin, going to small group, memorizing scripture, practicing stillness- keep sticking with it.

And here is the thing- don’t stop because you paused for a week. Don’t stop because it doesn’t seem to be working (yet). Don’t stop because your partner stopped. Don’t stop because you feel sick of it.

JUST KEEP GOING!

“Let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and RUN WITH PERSEVERANCE the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus…” (Hebrews 12:1-2)

“And we know that suffering produces PERSEVERANCE, perseverance, character and character, hope.” (Romans 5:3-4)

“The righteous man falls down seven times, but GETS BACK UP.” (Proverbs 24:12)

Seriously, Keep going.

Sometimes when you keep going it means showing up over and over until you finally feel connected to someone else or even yourself- an “ah-ha” moment. Sometimes it means trying again and again until you develop a strength or understanding only accessible through repetition. Sometimes you just get so sick of doing the dang thing without success that you get mad about it- and that gives you the energy to push harder or longer so you reach the goal. Sometimes you attract other people, inspired by seeing you keep going and now you have the support needed to complete the journey. The way perseverance works changes depending on the process you are not quitting on- but it works.

No matter how many times you have tried and failed at achieving a goal or dream or plan before- this truth about perseverance still applies. Decide you are going to start again and this time, just keep going.