I’m not nagging, i’m encouraging (but are you?)

“Better to live on the corner of a roof than share a house with a nagging wife”, says Solomon in Proverbs 25:24.

It paints quite the picture of misery and desperation. I have not personally resided in anything smaller than an apartment. I stayed overnight in a tiny house once and that was fun but not someplace I would want to actually live. I cannot imagine how awful the relationship dynamic would have to be to desire living on the corner of a rooftop versus a whole house. Yet over and over the Bible tells us marriage conflict will ensue if a wife frequently nags her husband.

Nagging is a behavior that is, in general, parental in tone and function; picture a mom following a teenage boy around telling him to clean his room or study more. It implies the other person is not responsible enough, smart enough or mature enough to manage their own choices. It tends to disrespect the autonomy of the other as well- creating pressure for the person to comply with your wishes instead of making a request and allowing them to choose their response. Seen this way, it is obvious nagging would cause a husband to feel unhappy, angry and distant from a wife who consistently treated him this way.

But often the response from wives when confronted about nagging is:

I’m not nagging, I’m encouraging.

And to be sure, encouraging is a good way to love your husband. Yet just because you are smiling or saying positive things to your spouse does not mean you are truly encouraging them. Here are a few differences between “sweet nagging” and actual encouragement.

Encouragement is focused on building up your spouse in an area he has expressed he WANTS to pursue or grow in. If it’s an area only you want him to pursue, whatever positive things you say are still nagging. Things like: eating better, going out for a new job, exercising, calling his mother or spending time reading are all good things IF HE WANTS TO DO THEM. But if he does not, your encouragement will be experienced as nagging,

Encouragement is not demanding. When you encourage, you are pouring courage into another. You don’t need a specific response from them in return because it is motivated toward helping the person at a heart level, which may or may not lead to outward change quickly. It also does not dictate how the other person will use their newfound courage. Nagging, disguised as encouragement, often has a specific goal in mind- building the person up to get them to take a certain step or make a specific change. This is also called manipulation and is an intimacy killer.

Nagging does not know when to stop, encouragement can allow for silence. The worst part about nagging is it is not a one time conversation or request. It is constant. It builds dread into times alone for fear the issue at hand will be brought up- again. Any parent of a toddler knows being asked the same question over and over is exhausting. Because nagging is frequently driven by fear (fear of not being happy, fear of not having needs met, fear of what others think) it often becomes a compulsive behavior if not dealt with head on. It can be easy to allow fears to cause us to try to control others which is what this “sweet nagging” really is- a form of attempting to control.

A healthier response than nagging is sharing needs and making requests, knowing your husband has the choice to move toward you or not. Freedom must be part of marriage for there to be intimacy. In a loving marriage many times a spouse will be willing to honor a request or meet a need, but when they don’t or can’t, maturity says we must tolerate not getting our way and respect our spouse enough to let them make decisions without fear of “never hearing the end of it.” Only then can love grow and marriage thrive.

Resurrected

I grew up learning about the Easter story through flannel board Sunday school lessons and my parents reading it aloud from their bibles and church choruses of “Up from the grace he arose! With a mighty triumph o’re his foes…” These were regular, normal parts of my childhood forming a deep foundation of belief. So I knew it was true: Jesus had died, was buried and rose again, the same way I knew a quarter was worth 25 cents and running through a sprinkler in sticky, hot Florida summers was refreshing and I was always going to get eaten by the blue ghosts while playing Pacman on my Atari. It was a truth simultaneously obvious, good and a foregone conclusion. And I suppose that is a reasonable starting place for truth in a child’s heart. But I did not know it was THE truth that would forever alter the beat of my heart.

On the adult side of life, many of my other foregone conclusions fell apart pretty quickly. I assumed my marriage to my high school sweetheart, much like my parent’s marriage, would be permanent and wonderful. But six years and two babies later, I woke up divorced and broken. I just knew motherhood would come naturally and I would be the one mom who got all the important things right. 26 years later I can testify to the heartbreakingly difficult seasons I thought I might not recover from and the pride wrecking mistakes and failures I deeply wanted to avoid but made anyway. I believed surely once I had a successful career, all my insecurities and people pleasing tendencies would disappear only to find them still resurfacing in maddeningly ridiculous moments. Many of the beliefs I had about life have been proven false in the 40 years after childhood ended, but one.

Resurrection is possible. Resurrection is promised. Resurrection is reality.

Jesus really did walk out of the grave. He took power over the same sin and death that killed him on the cross and crushed the enemy of our souls by grabbing back the keys to our prison cells of sin and death when he paid the ransom with his life. He was crushed, so we would not have to be. He was abandoned so we would always have the Father. He let his light be darkened so we could live in the light forever. He took our place and then he secured our future. Jesus did not just defeat death and rise up from the grave for himself- to prove his love or power. He is not just a Savior who performs miraculous healing and grave robbing and hell shaking so we know he CAN. He did it to show us He WILL. What he did at the cross and the grave he will do again: for us and to us and through us.

Jesus said it is finished, but as Tony Evans says, “he did not say ‘I am finished’. He was just getting started.” Jesus brings resurrection to me. He brings my sinful dead heart back to life and resurrects my broken wounded heart to be whole and healed. He teaches the parts of me that cling to idols- success, image, money, pleasure, even marriage and motherhood- to die to my pursuit of these and resurrects a stronger hope in me. Hope that he loves me, is with me and is for me- always. That kind of hope allows me to let go of all other sin, distractions and even blessings that will ultimately let me down. Only Jesus could free me from my death grip on success, being loved and image/ego. His constant, perfect faithful love brings me from fearful of losing love to freely giving love away. From defeated in my sin to victorious. From disappointed in my failed dreams to joyful in my mission to serve others.

Freedom, victory, joy. I see them at the empty tomb. And I experience them today. Resurrection happened. And it is also happening in me.

O Praise the One who paid my debt and raised this life up for the dead!

Healthy Body Image: Acceptance isn’t always positivity

The trend in advertising and social media toward healthier body images for women is, by and large, a very good thing. Ads for Dove soap and many other companies are showing women with a variety of body shapes and sizes and celebrate beauty with a wider range of diversity-these are all good things. But in this new push toward healthy body image I have noticed a subtle shift toward body positivity, which is not the same.

While I am certain many, if not most, of the poor body images women have dealt with over the years originated in rigid standards for beauty and shape that were unrealistic for the average woman to achieve, I do not think the solution is the converse: like every part of your body and embrace yourself “as is” even if parts of you actually need attention and care to be healthier.

What is the difference between healthy body image and body positivity?

Body positivity says: I must like all parts of my body and see every aspect of it as beautiful and affirm all parts as good. To critique or aim to improve any aspect of my visible physical self is a rejection of my body as being good. For anyone else to imply there could be greater health or wellness through change to my body, is a negative stance toward my body.

Healthy body image says: I accept myself for who I am- flaws and weaknesses, strengths and beauty; I like who I am and I value the body God gave me as a part of me: I do not have to like every single thing about my body (size, shape, tone, structure, features, strength, abilities etc) to accept and appreciate it and I can work to improve specific areas that are uncomfortable or unhealthy while enjoying myself at the same time.

When my children were young, there were many traits I experienced as adorable, delightful and fun. Their sense of humor, curiosity, laughter, snuggles and inquisitive minds provided a consistent source of joy for me as their mother. At the same time, their whining, bickering and disobedience were a regular source of frustration and angst. So, as any loving parents does, I praised them for the good and worked to discipline and train them in areas they needed to improve. What I did not do was relabel those traits as good, pleasant or enjoyable because they weren’t. While common and understandable based on their ages and development, those traits still needed to improve, change and mature for my children to become the fully functioning adults they are now. (I am happy to let you know, bickering eventually ends!) Just because I was not always positive about my children does not mean I did not accept, value or love them. I was realistically accepting- which allowed my perspective to contain positive and negative views while still loving my children.

The biggest danger of body positivity as a blanket perspective is not giving yourself the freedom to be realistic about health and wellness. Sometimes we do need to lose weight, gain strength or increase our cardiovascular fitness to be the most functional healthy version of ourselves. Between you and your doctor these can be good conversations in caring for your body well as you age. Other times we need the permission to try a new hairstyle, wear make up differently than we used to or learn to style our clothing in a way that gives us a confidence boost- without feeling we are betraying ourself to admit we like how we look and feel better after those adjustments. And it’s also okay to have parts of our body we just don’t like very much (my extra wide feet and line across my neck, in my case) while still enjoying other parts and feeling confident overall.

Ultimately a healthy body image is not primarily about liking your appearance, though we should be able to acknowledge our unique beauty! It is appreciating your body for how God designed it, and enjoying what it allows you to do. When you see the beauty God gave you, care for yourself in ways that embrace growth and challenge and accept the less enjoyable parts it brings both peace and contentment. Then we can focus less on stretch marks or wrinkles or numbers on the scale and instead accept our body for where it is today, work to be a good steward of the aspects of health we can change and use our bodies to bless others around us and enjoy life.

Ho, Ho, Hold it! 3 Ways to have a Merry Realistic Christmas

I just got off Pinterest. High frequency in my current feed are titles like “25 Ways to Enjoy Advent” and “12 Best Family Activities at Christmas” and “101 Ideas for a Memorable Holiday Season”. I’m already tired just thinking about trying to accomplish 101 memorable advent holiday family activities! This year will be my 28th Christmas as a mama. I have had beautiful moments and utterly disastrous moments. So dear friends, if you will indulge me, here are just three ways to be realistic as you approach a season that is rightfully special, but often, inappropriately loaded with expectations we can’t live up to. Nor do we need to!

Look ahead at your calendar and plan a loose, flexible list of ideas, scheduling no more than two special family activities per week. Often the biggest mistake we mamas make, is feeling the pressure to use every great idea you see your friends doing. There are hundreds of possibilities, but only a set number can fit into the average families’ life and not induce utter chaos. For us, two per week is the max. Which means, yes, we have only 8 Christmas-y plans,including of course, Christmas Eve dinner at my in law’s and Christmas Day fun. So really, we have 6. What scheduling a reduced number of plans allows for is spontaneous ideas and moments to evolve- which often become the BEST memories!

Keep a stack of games, books, craft paper and movies (Christmas or family favorites) in a central place. Ours is in the corner of our dining room. I have a stack of books that I get out only in December. I pull ALL our games out. I have a small basket with scissors and craft paper and tape/glue. And I round up all the Christmas movies we own. Then as we eat, sometimes if there is energy/time, we can add a game or movie to our evening before bed. But there is no pressure. Over the years, our kids have gone from home every night, to home rarely at dinner, to now-often just Emma and I at the dinner table. When my older two are around, I have learned to let them take the lead with ideas. Older teens are more likely to engage in family fun if they make the plans. So, I get very few scripted “precious moments” any more, but I love the hilarity and noise and “hey, let’s go on a late night doughnut run before we watch Home Alone”moments we have swapped for.

Focus on staying entirely present, which means put your phone away. Before we were Instagraming and face booking our lives, we could fully immerse ourselves in a moment without thinking about how to present it to others. Babies grow up. You will completely regret the times you missed a chance to connect because you were too distracted by the picture you were taking. Or the picture you had in your head you were trying to create. Families are often messy and cranky and disinterested and difficult. None of that changes because it’s December. Allow yourself to take each moment as it comes, and not be devastated if you had to step out of line while visiting Santa to address a melt down, or miss the class party because of a stomach virus or not wear the cute holiday outfit because ketchup got spilled all over the front. Each of those moments, are a chance to express the kind of love Christmas is all about. God came down to our mess and difficulties to be with us. Emmanuel, God with us. When you step into real moments with your kids or spouse or friends at Christmas to be with them, you are showing a picture of what Jesus did for us. It doesn’t ruin the Christmas spirit-it affirms the truest thing about it.

When Silent Night Is Lonely and Christmas Isn’t Merry

The pictures on the Hallmark cards at don’t tell the whole story do they? They don’t show…

faces stained with tears while quietly hanging ornaments on trees with missing spouses or children to share in tree trimming this year

… drives back and forth to hospital bedsides, and nursing homes and rehabs visiting family who are not well

…empty apartments, beds and seats next to singles who feel especially aware of their lack of coupleness during the most wonderful time of the year

We all have pictures in our mind of how Christmas should be. Visions of warm and cozy a moments, filled with family and love and joy. Our pictures simply do not include suffering, sorrow and pain. These feel so out of place and no cup of cocoa or festive carol can change it.

Sometimes Christmas is hard. Not in the “wow, how will we afford to get the toys? Or geez, we have too many commitments this month!” hard. No, this is the kind of hard that makes you feel like you may not be able to stand the pain that wells up from the deepest places in your heart, threatening to engulf you. The kind of hard that crying and yelling and sleeping does not relieve.

This is grief. And grief and Christmas are unlikely companions.

Yet, the very first Christmas, before Santa and Macy’s and Black Friday and Ugly Sweater Parties, carried it’s own share of grief. A young woman outcast in her community, through scandal. A man unsure how to care for his new wife and their coming child. Poverty, injustice, pain and loneliness were hand in hand with the birth of promise, redemption and new life. Jesus came into our pain and our poverty, our need and our mess to live with us. He did not paint a Norman Rockwell portrait with his arrival. Everything did not get better for those around him right away- in fact, it got worse. Children were murdered, his parents forced to flee in the night- injustice and pain seemed unquenchable.

Yet, the promise of his birth was Emmanuel. Christ with us. We were no longer alone and his eventual death and resurrection would secure an eternity of joy and peace that no suffering can ever touch. Christmas is a promise of Christ with us. We are not alone in our grief. We will not be defeated by sorrow. We will not be swallowed up in suffering.

If this December meets you in the midst of darkness, take heart. It was a dark, dark night when Light first arrived, and real life, in Christ can never be taken from you. Hold on to the promise of Emmanuel.